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| Tuna Sandwich:
-1 Tuna Packet
-2 Cloves Garlic
-1 Squeeze Relish
-Mayo
-1 tsp Cheyenne Pepper
-1/2 tsp Dried Thyme
-Salt
-Pepper
-2 Slices Bread
-1 Diagonal Cut
Woke up late. Shower. Texting begins immediately. Breakfast: 1 bowl cereal, 2 slices toast (wheat/butter/pumpkin butter), 1 omelet (3 eggs/sautéed onions/sharp cheddar (shredded)/salsa). Email Salt Inshitute. Email Winona. Email Zerby. FTP Photos. Change Desktop Background. Yo-Yo.
Call Grandma, talk shop:
-Lamb Curry:
½ ½ oil and butter
curry powder
garlic
onions
celary
apples
eggplant
lamb
-Chutney:
mangoes
-Aromatic rice:
½ coconut milk ½ water
cloves
cinnomin
saffron
Serve with:
almonds
raisins
currants
Mold the rice with a cake pan
-Sauted Bananas:
butter in a skillet
flambe with Grand Marnie or rum
serve with ice cream.
Too much garlic in the tuna.
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| Woke up late.
Missed all my classes.
Shot Clinton and Franken.
Shot TV on the Radio.
Heated up some pizza.
Watched some countdown.
Trying to think of things I have done since I turned 18:
-Iditarod
-Graduated High School
-Moved back to Minneapolis
-Marathons
Still feel kinda shitty. Kinda lonely. Luckily I have a lot of friends. Need to expand. Should probably call JD. Excited for election day. Hopefully will shoot guns on my birthday. Agree with Aaron's feelings (aka want to smash the business department).
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| After a long hiatus I have returned.
I know I made an appearance here and there with some heartless promotion for self gain, I must apologize for that. Things are a bit different now than during my last post. Ah my 18th birthday, what did I do for you? I cannot remember. I wish I could, and that is why I am back. My posting days came to an end in a flurry at the end of an era. I lost many "friends"? and gained one 2.5 year relationship. It has been three years and I am still stuck in high school, I wish I was back.
In the good ole days everything seemed a bit more carefree. Sure there were pressures of work, school, practice, friends, parents, enemies and so on. But everything seemed to be at its peak, although it may not have seemed like it at the time, everything had an order. Something I could follow. I was truly living in the moment. Times have changed. I am almost 21, another "milestone" year to check off your checklist of shit to do before you die... At least in America.
And I as I approach this age marker, this check of the checklist, another hoop hopped, I am feeling more and more dejected about the entire situation.
I have been in school (aka college) for 2.25 years and I am numb. I have been numb. I have been scraping by the past 1.25 years with acceptable grades (aka 2.7 gpa) and what seems like nothing to show for it. No major. No designated plan for graduation. Nothing. I feel nothing.
This is a new feeling, this feeling of nothingness. And it feels lonely and selfish. Yet I don't have the will and drive to dig myself out of this hole of nothingness. Just lazy acceptance.
Yet again, I question what/ how important it is to live this career path deemed by a capitalist society that frowns on the principles of Socialist Europe (aka who the fuck would want to live in a world where school and health care are a basic human right?). Apparently in America if you don't struggle to scrape by and survive you aren't trying hard enough.
This weighs on my conscious. I feel like everyone in college parties until they can't anymore because they live this life where they barely have a chance to live their own life.
College means nothing and everything to me. It defines my existence (I couldn't live where I do/ eat the food I do/ buy the things I do... If... I wasn't supported by a) my parents b) the government) yet it doesn't define me at all (I barely go to class, don't do any of the schoolwork, and would rather be working (surviving off my hobby)).
Fuck.
All the time I keep in the back of mind what I feel like I should be doing:
a) Making up all the schoolwork I have missed
b) Trying to establish myself as a real photographer
c) Finding something that would make me feel less alone
Funny, although it seems to mean the least to me the schoolwork is the most daunting task always on my brain.
I am constantly on edge. I always have something/ everything looming over me. I feel like I am drowning under the weight of dirt from the hole I have dug myself.
And to counter this feeling, I do nothing.
And I hate it.
Still, I have the feeling that my time at the University of Minnesota is quite trivial. Yet I cannot answer myself if I would indeed be better off at a different school, somewhere I feel a connection to.
And this is why I am still stuck in high school. I haven't had the feelings I had at SES since I left. I felt connected to the teachers, the students, the building, the routine, the trips, the ethic, the system. I loved it. I've lost it.
I wish I had that feeling at the U but I feel nothing. I am squandering in the concrete jungles of East and West and TCF Bank. Fuck it.
I feel like I have tried it all, ESPM, GD, WRIT, ICP/BIS, Fuck it.
To the U I am 3651759. Hoop hopper. Checklist checker. X/120. Fuck it.
And still, I spend my time prophesying about things, writing and talking about how unhappy I am with my existence instead of fixing anything.
My motivation? Money.
Welcome to America.
Loans, Financial Aid, Parental investment.
I am bogged down by money, money I hate to be a part of.
You are nothing without it and even less of a person with it. And its fucking killing me.
I am stuck in this tangled web caused by the struggle to survive in modern America. I go to school so I can get a job so I can pay for all the things that I need to continue to exist. While in school I accumulate debt because I can't make enough money while in school to pay for all the bills (health care, rent, utilities, food, tuition), not to mention the things that keep you sane (recreational spending). After school you have to get a career so you can pay off all the debt you racked up in school so now you have to pay for the bills, the loans, and even further back down the line you can pay for your sanity. Fuck it, I'd rather be dead.
So with all this on my mind, I still do nothing.
Even sitting and typing I feel like I can't properly articulate what I feel about the place I am in life.
"College is the best 4 years of your life."
-Some Dick
I felt more freedom when I was 17 and had to be home at 2 in the morning on weekends.
Today:
Bowling.
"Beautiful," Coach.
Some dumb support of Zach Marty by Dan. I sigh and tell Graham I will be at his party. Bowling is very sporadic.
Journalism Class.
....
Hang out at work like always, feel like I get nothing done. Can't get out of that place fast enough.
Come home. Same shit again, watch politics on TV/ Internet.
Reminisce. Look up old AIM conversations. Decide to start posting again.
Still downloading entire Prince Discography, at least up until 1999 (the year not the album).
Can't stop thinking about how trivial bowling class is but can't pinpoint what it is being compared to that makes it so trivial.
Tomorrow I return to classes I haven't been to in 1.5 weeks. Try to avoid eye contact, feel ashamed, do nothing.
Try not to spend anymore on going out to eat, feel like I can't afford it. Maybe shouldn't have justified that lens. But it felt good to buy and feels good to own. Maybe...
I am also torn on just about everything I own. I am a technoholic/ have a bit of resentment towards material things. Yet I wouldn't be able to practice my craft without material things. So once again I have a feeling of empty justification.
Christ, I may be approaching 21 but I'm writing like a whiny teenager.
Maybe some Loveline will calm me down.
Other shit to do: Call mom, arrange some kind of luncheon. Tell her I hate school and don't want to go anymore.
Call Craigslist girl. (Shallow Steve) Hopefully she is cute.
Fuck it. I like this Bright Eyes album.
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